The last time I posted a writing update on this blog I was on Chapter 28 of first-edits and feeling all optimistic for the future.
As I talk to you today, I am currently at...Chapter 29 of first-edits.
You read that correctly.
In an entire month I managed to edit JUST ONE chapter of my first draft.
I know it's bad, but in my shameful defence I have been SO busy this month.
Following are a list of excuses for why I only edited one measly chapter:
Excuse 1: Christmas.
Buying presents, stressing about buying presents, not buying enough presents, buying too many presents, Christmas cards, nativity plays, Christmas parties, wrapping presents, delivering presents, opening presents, eating Christmas dinner, drinking too much wine
All of the above takes time that I did not spend editing my novel.
Excuse 2: Uni pit of doom
I have had a lot of uni work to get done this month - and the mountain has still not been climbed. As I write this I still have two things to work on and hand in, plus an exam to revise for. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with the work at the minute and only JUST managing to stay afloat....so no time for writing anything else.
Excuse 3: Crippling self-doubt
So this is the serious one, and the main thing I wanted to discuss in this post. I love my book. I'm proud of it. I adore the characters, the story is fun...but this month I have been filled with soooooo much doubt about my writing and the future of this book overall. I'm looking at it, and wondering........
are you really good enough?
Are you the book I want to debut with?
Are you written how I want you to be written?
Are you the story I want to tell?
Will an agent want you?
Will a publisher want you?
Will readers want you?
I looked at my manuscript and I asked it all of these questions and it didn't answer any of them because it can't talk.....
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm having a serious down moment with this book and it makes me so sad. I don't know why I feel this way, and I feel like I'm betraying the story (and myself) by having these dithering thoughts. I think all writers go through this (from what I've seen anyway), and I know it's nothing new...I just wish I could push past it and feel the fire I felt at the start of this project. I want to do it justice, and sometimes I just feel like I'm not good enough to do that.
It doesn't help that I'm carrying these feelings over to my uni creative work too. We have to write a short 2000-word story...I've had my idea for so long, and I know what I want it to be....but I just can't get it there. Everything I churn out is so far away from what it is in my head that it's actually getting depressing to try.
I suppose the only way to get through this is to just push on and keep writing.
I've lost my mojo, it's gone...so if anyone finds it can you please get in touch so I can get it back?
Next month I want to really knuckle down with this draft and finish these edits. I feel like I'm never going to get through them but I want to fall back in love with this book and tell the stories of these characters. I'm going to try...I'm not going to make excuses, I'm actually going to try and I'll be updating again in January so we will see if I stick to it.
Beat me with sticks if I don't